Anger is a natural and healthy emotion that reflects our inner state. It helps us instinctively identify and respond to dangerous situations. Anger can also be an excellent driving force for starting really good things.
But most often, uncontrolled anger is the cause of stress and problems: in relationships with colleagues, with relatives, with friends, with the outside world and even with oneself.
Redford Williams, M.D., author of the bestselling book Anger Kills, offers 12 steps to control this complex and turbulent emotion.
How does it work?
Anger is a well-developed mechanism that turns on when our plans are upset or we feel a threat to ourselves, loved ones, things dear to us, or equally dear ideas. It helps us quickly respond to situations and find solutions when there is no time for a thorough analysis. It is also one of the engines of progress that helps us find a way out of a situation and solve problems that interfere with achieving our goals.
The danger of anger is stupidity
The danger of anger lies in human stupidity . We may react incorrectly and ruin the relationship. This is especially true for instant angry reactions.
The main task is to learn to pull ourselves together in cases where our life is not in direct danger, to calm down and make the right decision. That is, anger management is nothing more than the ability to extinguish sudden impulses in time, calm down and make the right decisions, directing our “atomic energy” into a more peaceful direction.
Everything is subjective
People experience anger in different ways. Just as we differ from each other, our reactions to the same situation can be diametrically opposed. What may only slightly irritate you may drive your colleague crazy. In this way, anger management focuses on your response to stimuli.
Besides personal stimuli, there are also universal causes that include: – pain; – the pursuit; – attack directed at us; – a threat to the people, things and ideas we hold dear.
Tools for Anger Management
So, Redford Williams offers his 12 steps to help control anger.< /p>
Step 1: Keep your hostility diary. Try to write down on a piece of paper the triggers that make you feel angry. In this way, you can collect and study all the main reasons for your anger and gradually learn to recognize and control them.
Step 2. If you do lose your temper, admit that you have problems managing anger. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Therefore, recognition and awareness of this problem, understanding that anger is an obstacle to achieving goals, is one of the first steps.
Step 3. Seek support from others. If you understand perfectly well that controlling anger is your problem, do not hide it, but seek support from the people around you who are important to you. They can be a source of motivation for you and their support will help you if you feel an attack of anger again.
Step 4. Use a special technique that helps interrupt an attack of anger. Stop, take a deep breath, tell yourself that you can handle this situation and stop the negative thoughts.
Step 5. Use empathy. If the source of your anger is someone else, try to see it from their perspective. Remind yourself that we are all very subjective and that everyone makes mistakes.
Step 6: Laugh at yourself. Humor is one of the best medicines. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take what is happening to heart.
During the next impulse to hit the printer or kick the ATM, think about how funny and stupid you will look from the outside.
Step 7: Relax. People who overreact to unpleasant little things often get angry. When you learn to relax, you will realize that reacting to minor problems is simply stupid. Why waste your time and ruin the mood for yourself and those around you because of an annoying little thing that half of the people will forget about in 5 minutes?
Step 8: Create an atmosphere of trust. Angry people can be very cynical. They will suspect everyone around them of deliberately sabotaging their person, even if nothing has happened yet. If you can create an atmosphere of trust, the chances that someone will actually deliberately harm you will be reduced to a minimum.
Step 9. Listen. Misunderstandings cause mistrust or disappointment. The better you listen to what is being said, the less likely you are to become angry because you misunderstood what was said.
Step 10: Be persistent. Remember that Assertive absolutely does not mean Aggressive. When you start to get angry, it is very difficult for you to express your thoughts correctly. You are too immersed in negative emotions and physiological symptoms (rapid heartbeat and redness of the face) only prevent you from collecting compelling arguments in response. If you allow yourself to be assertive and explain to people your point of view and why you believe it that way, you will achieve much more success than waving your arms and sputtering.
Step 11: Live every day as if it were your last. Life is short and we only have one, so spending it on negative emotions is unforgivable stupidity and wastefulness. Understand that when you waste your time on aggression, you miss out on a huge number of pleasant things and moments.
Step 12. Learn to forgive. In order to truly change yourself for the better, you need to dig much deeper. And you need to learn to forgive. It's not as simple as it seems at first glance. You should not just be able to squeeze out something like “I’m not mad at you.” You must be able to truly let go. Because hidden resentment or pain eats us from the inside and does not allow us to move on. And in the end, they will still break free with much more destructive consequences.
I, of course, am not a psychologist, but it seems to me that this is exactly how people appear who one fine day come to themselves to the office with weapons in hand.
So we stop, take a deep breath, confidently get rid of negative thoughts and move forward towards our goals. Wow 😉
